


Scary love

by Vinushuka



Series: One year with Apocalyptica [18]
Category: Apocalyptica
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 09:36:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8396656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: Patrik finally finds himself a new car and offers Anna a ride home. During that he confesses something that makes Anna happy, scared and confused at the same time. Anna is extremely concerned about how she will manage alone with a baby during next summer when Perttu will be touring most of the time. Luckily Kirsi comes up with a crazy idea that might solve the problem...





	1. Pain,pain go away

## Pain, pain go away (1)

My decision to stop hankering over Patrik was doomed to fail from the beginning. He kept harassing my thoughts like some irritating pop-up window on my computer. On Wednesday morning, just when I was stepping into the shower I suddenly saw him there with me water gushing down on his head and running along his long hair. I could almost feel his hands caressing my breast. I blinked my eyes to get rid of the vision but he just kept gazing me with a faint smile on his lips. When nothing helped I turned off the water and rested my forehead on the wet bathroom tiles crying of pain. I knew I didn’t really see him because he was the only person I couldn’t see with my talent. I was just hallucinating or he was playing some kind of strange trick on me.

      I felt miserable all day and went to bed early waiting for Perttu to call me. Luckily he did. Apocalyptica had been spending a day off in Miami and had just returned to their hotel. They would fly to New York later in the evening.

“How was your photo shoot?” I asked trying to pull myself together and sound brisk.

“I didn’t sleep very well last night before the promo shoot and looked a bit tired but I think we got some pretty decent photos during the session."

“Did Franky disturb your sleep or was there something else bothering you during the night?”

“No, he slept in his own bed but I think that was the problem. I can’t sleep very well alone.”

“Neither do I. It’s nicer to have someone near”, I sighed.

“Maybe I should buy you a giant size teddy bear to hug while I’m on tour”, Perttu snickered.

“Please do! I love teddy bears! Doesn’t Mikko have one?” The question slipped out of my mouth before I realized that I shouldn’t know about it.

“In fact he does. It’s really huge. Mikko had to throw a blanket on it so that it wouldn’t see us in bed…”

“Yeah, jealous teddy bears are really dangerous…” I remarked remembering the hot scene I had witnessed in Mikko’s bedroom at that particular moment.

“Speaking of which, I think Eicca is a bit jealous about me sharing the room with Franky.”

“I bet he is. You would be too if Eicca was bunking with him”.

“Yes, I know the feeling but I tried to make amends with Eicca last night.

“Please take good care of him. He must have a hard time missing his family and Patrik. Kirsi told me last Sunday that they had a quarrel about Eicca meeting Patrik after his return. No wonder Eicca has been down lately.”

“That explains a lot. I will do my best to keep him occupied with something other than worrying about Kirsi or Patrik”, Perttu promised.

      After that we talked shortly about their plans in New York and the video shoot of Cold Blood in Toronto. Perttu was especially looking forward to their visit in Marvel headquarters in New York. He was a hard core fan of Marvel characters.

      I must admit that I felt a lot better after having a chat with Perttu. He had this strange soothing effect on me. His kindness and care for other people was touching. He was a bit capricious but then again he was also an ARTIST with capital letters.

      My Thursday morning started with a message from Patrik: “I found me a new babe!!!” It was accompanied by a photo of a shiny black Audi standing on a yard somewhere on the countryside.

“Congratulations! I hope this new relationship is a happy and long-lasting one”, I wished. I knew the car wasn’t cheap even if it was old. A new one would cost a fortune. “It’s a very handsome car. I hope I can take a closer look at it sometime in the future”, I hinted.

“I can give you a ride home next Monday”, he promised just like that.

“Thanks! That would be nice”, I wrote my heart pounding of joy. I would finally get to spend some time with him outside the classroom.

      The prospect of being together with Patrik again made me burst with energy that day. I took care of a bunch of travel arrangements of Apocalyptica’s Australia tour scheduled to the last half of February and some PR matters related to publishing of Shadowmaker album in April. In the evening I concentrated on my Japanese studies, especially on my pronunciation as that was my weak point. My brain seemed to be working properly again after the dark blur that had filled my head since Monday. Hope had given me wings.

      The weekend passed quietly without anything particular. I had received seed catalogs from several suppliers so I started to plan my gardening activities during next spring. There were so many plants I wanted to try out now that I had a chance to do so. Besides it would be exciting to see what kind of spring plants would turn up in my garden. I had only seen it in the autumn time when all spring flowering bulbs and perennials were already gone. Of course my pregnancy would set limits to what I could do in the garden but fresh air and exercise would do me good.

      Perttu called me couple of times during the weekend, first from New York and then from Toronto. He was bursting of excitement after they had visited the Marvel headquarters. His Instagram was flooding with photos of Perttu with Thor’s hammer. He send me couple of private photos too. He mentioned Franky only once which made me wonder what was up. Normally he wouldn’t shut up about someone he loved. I didn’t ask anything about it as I didn’t want to intrude in his private matters. If he wanted to tell me something he would do it.


	2. Videos in the dark

## Videos in the dark (2)

My love for Mondays didn’t show any signs of fading. I left from the office a bit earlier to wash my hair, do my makeup and prepare some dinner. I wanted to be at my best when meeting Patrik again. I sent quick prayers to up above wishing he could make it to the class this time. He did.

      “Did you see my new car?” was his first question when I arrived at the institute and sat beside him on the lobby sofa.

“Sorry but no, I couldn’t locate it”, I told him. The parking lot in front of the institute was packed.  Even if I knew the licence number I couldn’t make out which car was his.

“No problem, you will see it tonight”, he confirmed his promise and dug out his textbook out of his suitcase. "I didn’t have time to do the homework”, he mumbled slightly embarrassed and started to read through the exercise pages.

 I didn’t want to disturb him so I just sat quietly by his side leafing through the kanji book I had with me. I had already completed studying kanji up to 298 and was convinced that this was the right study method for me. “Did you order this book already?” I asked Patrik when he turned to watch what I was doing.

“Yes, I did but it hasn’t arrived yet.”

“I’m planning to study all 2200 kanji before the start of the autumn semester. At the rate of 70 kanji a week it should be doable. Would you like to join me?” I asked my hopes high.

“That’s probably too much for me. I thought something between 300 and 500 kanji would be possible. Maybe it’s better that you proceed at your own pace”, he said sounding discouraged.

Something in his tone bothered me. Where was the guy who had been so knowledgeable and full of self confidence in the autumn when I first saw him? “I will do that. If you need any help in your studies I’m always available”, I told him after I had swallowed my disappointment. I wasn’t going to give up just because he wasn’t with me in this matter.

      “I think we’d better go upstairs to get good seats”, Patrik remarked and stood up to leave. We climbed the stairs up to the third floor just to notice that the previous group had already finished their lesson and all front seats of the classroom were already occupied. We had to settle with the two free seats at the back of the classroom.

      The teacher wanted to show us a language video so she turned off most of the lights and started to browse through the scenes to find what she was looking for. Patrik leaned forward on his seat and laid his hands on table beside mine. Our arms were touching lightly almost from the shoulder downwards. I stared at the screen listening to the video but I didn’t understand a word. All I could sense was his warm touch against my arm. Suddenly he laid his hand on top of mine and squeezed my fingers lightly. I gave him a quick smile in the dark and sat there shivering of happiness. What the hell was happening?

      When the video ended Patrik pulled his hand away and leaned back on his chair. “That was some video!” he whispered. I sat there beside him my cheeks glowing and completely confused by his gesture. I must admit I don’t remember much of what was taught during the rest of the lesson. This beautiful distraction sitting by me had stolen all my attention and I had to struggle to get my wits back.

      At the end of the lesson my previous pair Tiina came to ask about the kanji book I had with me. I showed it to her and explained the method of remembering kanji through your own stories. We continued our discussion at the lobby while Patrik was using the toilet. When he came back all three of us headed to the parking lot. I couldn’t help smiling when I saw her surprised face as I climbed into Patrik’s new car. I would have paid some real money to hear her thoughts!

       I pushed my bag beside my feet and adjusted the seat to a more upright position. The interior of the car was light gray and looked like brand new. “Where did you find this? The car looks extremely well kept and clean. You should see mine and it’s not even old.”

“I have my sources” he smiled but didn’t say anything more. “So, where are we heading to? Your new house is somewhere in Espoo?” Patrik asked.

I explained him where I lived and started to give him driving instructions but he interrupted me. “I know the place. I studied there close by several years”, he commented and started the car.

      It was a bit awkward to notice how little I knew about his past. He had answered my questions in the autumn but other than that he hadn’t told me much voluntarily. Even now I had thousand questions in my mind but I couldn’t make myself ask any of them. I just sat there enjoying his presence and the low hum of the car when we sped along the motorway towards Espoo. I could see he was a skilled driver and loved driving a car with a manual transmission.

“By the way the CD you gave me doesn’t work in this car”, he suddenly remarked.

“That’s strange. I have several CD- players and it worked in all of them”, I replied feeling puzzled.

“This is an old car. It must be some kind of format problem.”

“I can try to make a WMA-version of it”, I promised. It was important to me that he listened to the music I loved and had specially selected for him.

“That would be nice of you. I like listening to music when I’m driving around. I’m a restless soul”, he confessed and glanced at me. Whatever did he mean by that? 

       When we arrived at my place I asked him to stop at the upper drive way in front of the house. ”Would you like come inside and have a cup of tea or something”, I asked after a short silence.

“I’m sorry but I promised to see my mother tonight. She lives in northern parts of Espoo not very far from here.”

“That’s okay, maybe another time then. Thanks anyway for the ride. I loved watching the video with you”, I said and stroke his cheek with my fingers.

“Yeah, I enjoyed it too”, he smiled and grabbed my hand into his making my heart race like a pack of wild horses.

“Please kiss me goodnight”, I whispered feeling a desperate longing for him.

“You know you shouldn’t love me and I shouldn’t love you, but I do”, he told me and took my face into his hands to kiss me. When he pressed his lips against mine I thought I would die of joy. He just said he loved me in so many words. His kiss was long and tender and made hot tears run down my cheeks.

“Goodnight and take good care of my baby girl”, he reminded me when I opened the door to step out of the car.

“I will”, I mumbled wondering if this was really happening or was I hallucinating again? Somehow I managed to walk to my porch and find the key to open the door. At the corner of my eye I saw Patrik reverse to the road and drive away.

      When I was safely inside my legs were shaking so badly that I had to sit down on a chair in the hallway. I leaned my head against the wall and started to cry. I had absolutely no reason to do so but that was the only way to express the utmost happiness I was experiencing at the moment. My baby had two fathers, I loved them both from the bottom of my heart and they loved me.


	3. Doubts

## Doubts (3)

I was relieved that Perttu didn’t have the time to call me that night. I was far too confused and scared of my own feelings to have a coherent discussion with anybody. Perttu knew me so well that he would have detected immediately that something was wrong.

      I made myself a cup of tea to calm down but that didn’t help much. Then I started to write about the events in my diary while they were still fresh in my memory. When I got to the point he said he loved me I got stuck with his words: ”You know you shouldn’t love me and I shouldn’t love you”. Why shouldn’t I and why shouldn’t he? Was it because I was carrying Perttu’s child or because I was too old for him or because I was a woman and he preferred loving men. Or was there some other reason I wasn’t aware of?

      I went to bed to get some sleep but my thought just kept swirling around keeping me awake. What was I scared of? I tried very hard to understand my fears but the only reason I could think of was that actually I didn’t know much about him. He had always kept me at a distance and now, all of a sudden, his closeness scared me. He was now more open and happier, more himself than ever before. Had the trip to Japan opened his eyes to see that there was one person that loved and cared for him no matter what?

      I must have fallen asleep at some stage but started awake again at around four o’clock in the morning after having a strange dream. I was walking with Patrik on a crowded street and we popped into a bar to have a drink. At the bar counter a complete stranger suddenly grabbed Patrik and punched him in the nose. I started to scold the guy while Patrik was wiping the blood from his face. For some reason the bully payed me hundred euros for the damage he had done. I grabbed Patrik by the arm and dragged him out of the bar happy that we had now hundred euros in cash.

      The dream didn’t make much sense to me but at least it reinforced the mother lion in me. I was ready and willing to defend my man at all cost whether he wanted it or not.

      Due to a restless night the next morning was of course difficult for me. I allowed myself a little more time to rest and enjoy breakfast. I decide to go to work a little later and stay longer in the evening as I didn’t have any engagements in the evening.

      Kirsi turned up at the office in the afternoon full of energy as usual. She was on her way to rehearse her new play. “I thought I’d let you know that Eicca sounds much better now. He called me this morning and we talked quite long about things. He apologized me for everything that had happened lately and promised to behave. You don’t suppose Perttu has anything to do with the change?”

“He probably has. He promised me to keep Eicca occupied with things other than Patrik”, I said not wanting to comment more. I was doing my part by keeping Patrik occupied with something other than Eicca.

“Sounds good. It looks like we are finally heading into right direction”, Kirsi rejoiced. “Sorry but I will have to be on my way. By the way would you like to join me in sauna sometime this week before the boys return?”

“That would be very nice”, I said. I needed to relax after my chocking experience and Kirsi was definitely the one Person to relax with.

“Would tomorrow at seven o’clock be okay?” Kirsi asked eyeing at her watch.

“Yes, that’s fine. I’ll come by then”, I promised feeling already happier and more relaxed.

      When Perttu called me in the evening I was already much more contained and calmer than the night before. I told him that I was going to have sauna with Kirsi on Wednesday and asked how he was doing in London. The band had in London two full days of PR meetings and interviews which would continue in Paris for next two days. I asked if he would like me to pick him up from the airport. The plane from Paris would land conveniently at noon on Friday. He was delighted about my proposal and told me he couldn’t wait to see me. I couldn’t wait to see him either. I needed his presence to clear my head and make me feel safe. Only two more days to go without him…


	4. Sauna with Kirsi

## Sauna with Kirsi (4)

I was really looking forward to sauna evening with Kirsi. She was my ally and trustee in many respects and actually the only person that knew about my special skills. I hadn’t told about them even to Perttu. Besides Kirsi was an easy person to be with. She didn’t complain about her problems or mock other people behind their backs. Sometimes she wanted my advice and sometimes I needed advice from her. Sometimes she wanted to make love with me, sometimes vice versa.

      Heating up sauna in the middle of the winter requires some advance planning but in spite of the cold it is nice to listen to the hum of the fire heating up the stove and the water. Kirsi had started the heating operation in good time so that sauna would be ready when I arrived. We took couple of mineral water bottles with us and headed across the yard to the solitary sauna building close to an edge of a large cornfield. “Wow, the stars look gorgeous here”, I called and stopped on the path to watch the universe folding above our heads.

“Yeah, it’s easier to see the stars when there are no city lights disturbing the view”, Kirsi replied gazing up too.

“It always makes me wonder what we would find out there if there was a way to reach those places”, I commented feeling small and insignificant.

“C’mon, don’t get philosophic out here, it’s warmer in sauna”, Kirsi smirked and grabbed my hand to haul me to the small building.

      The dressing room wasn’t especially warm so we got rid of our clothes in a hurry and headed to the hot and dim confines of sauna. The room had a small window with a view to the field but now the scenery was hidden by darkness. We climbed up to the benches, spread our seat covers and Kirsi threw water on the stove. It released a slow sizzle and a puff of steam surrounding us like a warm blanket. “Aah, this is great!” Kirsi sighed and threw another scoop of water on the stove. “Sitting here in silence with fire humming in the stove is one of the best things in life. One can hear one’s thoughts better in here.”

“What are you thinking about?” Kirsi asked after a long silence. I was of course thinking about Patrik and his kiss but I didn’t want to share that with Kirsi yet. “I’m happy that Perttu will be back on Friday. We have missed him”, I said tapping my slightly rounded belly.

“Aren’t you on the same course with Patrik? How is it to study with him?” Kirsi surprised me with her question.

“Yes, he is actually my pair now so we work together during the lessons. He is a talented guy but too busy with his work to study at the same rate as I. He tends to do his homework just before the lessons. I’ve been trying to persuade him to start kanji studies with me but he’s not very keen on the idea”, I replied feeling slightly awkward. Maybe I was talking a bit too much of him.

“How are your play rehearsals going?” I asked to make Kirsi talk about something else.

“It’s a two woman play. I’m having great fun acting with Eeva. She’s an experienced actress and knows what she’s doing but is not too fussy about things.”

“Did I understand correctly that you will be touring with the play all around Finland next summer?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s the plan. I won’t see Eicca or the boys very much during that time. That generates slight problems for all of us.”

“I bet it does”, I commented thinking again how I could manage alone with the baby. Under these circumstances Kirsi couldn’t offer me much support. ”But it will certainly be an interesting new experience. How are you going to fit your band among all this?”

“We need Eicca around as he’s our drummer. We try to arrange our gigs according to his schedules. There will not be very many public performances this year.”

      The more I thought about the next summer the more horrified I felt about everything. Giving birth was the first thing that scared me but the sleepless nights with a crying baby came as second. At this age you weren’t supposed to be caring for infants at nights, you were supposed to sleep.

      When Kirsi and I had bathed we put on our bathrobes on and hurried to the warmth of the house to dress properly.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight”, Kirsi remarked when we were sitting in her living room after the dinner.

“I’m scared about the future, about childbirth and everything after that”, I confessed feeling embarrassed. I was such a wimp!

Kirsi folded her arm around my shoulders and snuggled my hair. “I know the feeling. I’m sure you can manage. You don’t have to be a perfect mother. Just be yourself. You can always ask for help from the godfather if Perttu is not around. If Perttu doesn’t move in with you, why don’t you ask him?” Kirsi proposed.

I stared at her like an idiot not believing my ears. That was the craziest idea she’d ever had.

“I mean just for a year or so, to get over the worst part. He would get the practice he needs and you could share the responsibility with someone”, she explained when I didn’t seem to get it.

“I understand what you mean but I don’t think he would agree to do it. A young guy like him needs a life of his own”, I replied feeling a hope rise in my mind in spite of my doubts.

“Just ask him. The worst thing he can do is to think you’re telling a joke and laugh at your proposal”, Kirsi encouraged me.

“Maybe I will”, I finally promised. It wouldn’t hurt to ask him.  Of course there was a possibility that he would run away horrified and never talk to me again, but I was willing to take the risk.


	5. Teddy bear Sebastian

## Teddy bear Sebastian (5)

The more I thought about Kirsi’s crazy idea the more plausible it started to feel. I needed someone to support me at least during the first half year, preferably longer. Apocalyptica’s tight schedules wouldn’t allow Perttu to stay in Finland for no more than two weeks at a time. It wasn’t even certain that he could be present at the childbirth. Besides switching between life at home and touring was difficult, if not impossible.

      I decided to talk about my concerns with Perttu right after his return. He too needed time to think about various options we had. As Lumi’s father he would have to accept all arrangements concerning his daughter. If I were to live in my house with someone other than him, he would have to go with it too.

      My heart was pounding of excitement like I was a silly schoolgirl when I stood in the airport exit hall waiting for him. The first thing I noticed was Eicca’s tall figure and behind him a trolley with a huge teddy bear riding on top of a pile of luggage. Perttu gave me a happy grin when he detected me and headed towards me with his trolley. I rushed to meet him and he grabbed me into his arms like I was a little child. “I’ve missed you so much!” he breathed into my hair and almost crushed my bones with his embrace.

“We’ve missed you too”, I whispered to him and wiped away the tears that had blurred my eyesight.

“Please meet Sebastian, the bear”, Perttu snickered and grabbed the gigantic white teddy bear from the top of the trolley and pushed him into my lap. 

“Aww, he’s lovely”, I smiled and tugged the red bow tie he had around his neck. “I’m sure Lumi will love to wrestle with him when she’s a bit older.”

“I was thinking more about you when I bought it”, Perttu mumbled trying to look offended.

“I would rather wrestle with you, but he’s okay when you’re not around”, I said thinking about what Perttu would say if he knew about my plans. I wasn’t going to ruin our first weekend together with serious matters like that.

      I said hello to Eicca and Paavo before we parted our separate ways. Eicca looked somehow slimmer and happier compared to three weeks ago when I last saw him. The cruise and time away had done him wonders. At first I didn’t notice Mikko at all but then I saw him walk away with guy that looked almost like Mikael. He was tall and muscular and had similar dark, slightly curly hair.

“I’m not sure but I think I saw Mikko leaving with Mikael. Do you know anything about it?” I asked Perttu when we were walking to the parking hall.

“Yes, it was Mikael. I think Mikko is planning to start a new life with him. He gave me free hands on our way to New York.”

“Oh, I’m sorry for you two but maybe it’s better that way”, I replied considering how this piece of information would affect our situation. It probably would make it easier for Perttu to move in with me if he wished to do so.

      I drove Perttu to his apartment and left Sebastian on the front seat to guard my car while I went in with Perttu. “I have still couple of things to take care of at the office, but would you like to come and spend the weekend at Espoo with me. I can come this way and pick you up at about five o’clock.”

“I would have to do some laundry. I’m running out of clean clothes at the moment”, Perttu mumbled frowning his forehead.

“Just take your laundry with you. I have a brand new washing machine and a tumbler dryer”, I proposed and kissed his cheek. He was so cute when he didn’t know wat to do.

“Okay, I will go out to have some fresh air and do some shopping. There nothing but a light in my fridge at the moment. See you then at five”, Perttu agreed and gave me a hug and a kiss.

      I was happy and satisfied that I was going to have Perttu all to myself for a whole weekend. Maybe I could discuss my proposal with him on Sunday. That way he would have the time to consider it during next week. When I returned to my car and stepped in the pale winter sun broke through the clouds reminding me about the approaching spring. “Lovely day”, I said to Sebastian and tapped his head between the ears. “Would you like to see my office?”


End file.
